Monday, October 3, 2011

PMSing & Confidence Issue No. 71598

I’m going to blog about this, but I’m doing this because this is my venting outlet as well as a judgment-free zone.  So at work I was asked to do a photo shoot for my company’s United Way campaign this year in early August.  First off, I was really excited because I have never done a photo shoot before and was super surprised because they asked ME.  Like why would someone ask me to do a photo shoot? There are tons of pretty and skinny people at work, but they asked ME.  So I was feelin real happy about that and myself! I even emailed the person who sent the Outlook invite out to my calendar to double-check that I was supposed to receive the invite.  How pathetic, right?  How sad is that…
So I went to the photo-shoot, had my makeup did and the photos turned out ‘alright’, but naturally I’m my own worst critic.  I obvz had my makeup and hair did and the photographer even complimented me.  Enough said.
So the United Way general volunteer team meeting is held today and the marketing materials are out for everyone to see.  So I’m looking around and my photo from the shoot is nowhere to be found.  So I initially was saddened, but thought that I might be in some of the campaign’s handout materials.  Well this year I volunteered to be on the Events committee for the campaign, but was also assigned as a Team Leader… which I hadn’t initially signed up for, but accepted the responsibility and thought it was a nice way to continue to give back.  So when I went to pick up my team leader bag and saw the materials that will be handed out to the employees, I was also not on the handouts.  That being said, my photos must have been nixed from the pool of marketing materials.
Now listen, I know there are starving and impoverished children in the world and wars going on throughout the world… stuff way more important than my pity party. I just can’t help but feel sad/depressed/ugly/fat after having my self-confidence slapped in the face.  Everyone that was invited to the campaign shoot had their photo in the marketing materials and for some reason, I was left out.  My own psychological deduction that I can make is that it’s because I’m Fat & Ugly.  I know I’m being ridiculous (at least I’m admitting it), but that’s the only conclusion I have arrived at.  I keep telling myself, maybe your photos accidentally got deleted or maybe they just missed you on accident or the files were corrupted. No, no, NO… it’s because no one wants a BIG person to be the face of a campaign, which is PRECISELY why I was initially shocked when I was asked to partake in the photo-shoot in the first place.  Maybe it really was an accident and then they realized after the photos were taken that they didn't intend to invite me. 
Just to end my self-conscious/PMSing/crazy thoughts battle, I think I’m more upset with myself than anything else.  Aside from the fact the seemingly trivial fact that my photos weren't considered, this ‘event’ just reaffirms so many bad thought and feelings I have about myself.  Let's chalk this up to YET another reason Why I want to lose weight! This whole sitations, for a lack of better words, was ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’.  Make sense?
I won’t apologize for having this rant, but I do ask that you don’t judge (hahaa) and that you try to look at it from my crazy@$$ girl perspective.
Phew!... I feel a little better, but not really.. heh.

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